SPOTLIGHT on Dr Lulu

SPEAKER_04 0:09

Hi, and welcome to this special spotlight episode of Assassin's Tips. And today, as usual, we have a special guest with us. Agnes, would you like to introduce her?

SPEAKER_00 0:21

I will be honored to introduce her. I want to introduce to you Dr. Lulu, also known as Mometrician. She's a best-selling author, an entrepreneur, an international speaker, an activist, and just an all-around badass.

SPEAKER_04 0:46

So this doesn't even cover it.

SPEAKER_00 0:48

No, this is just the beginning of her many of her very extensive CV. So introducing mommetrician, Dr. Lulu, thank you so much for spending like the next hour and a half with us.

SPEAKER_04 1:01

Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

You're very welcome. My pleasure. My pleasure.

SPEAKER_04 1:07

So I oh no, no, I okay, I was just gonna ask, what are we all sipping on today?

SPEAKER_01 1:13

I have sprites in my little fancy container.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

I'm doing sweet cranberry wine.

SPEAKER_04 1:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

It was in the refrigerator.

SPEAKER_04 1:24

That sounds good. I have uh some mock hooter sangria. And it's very tart, so I don't know what what's gonna happen today.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Honestly, I think of hooters, I think of wings and boobs. And boobs.

SPEAKER_04 1:44

Sangria, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

I'm a boobs, I'm a boobs loving kind of girl, so I I only think about boobs. I never I never ate there before, I never went in there before, but I heard that you can get a good view.

SPEAKER_00 1:57

Yes, I don't know. We were actually not just a few minutes ago, talking about boobs and how we need to get our boobs back to where they were just a year ago, because things are changing quite rapidly. So we're like, we just need a little little volume in the boobs again.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I know I'm a I'm a boobs lover. Oh my god. My ex-wife went from a 48j to a 30 to a 36 triple D, but I was not happy because those were like my soft pillows, and um, but she used to have back pain and there's the bra used to dig in her poor little shoulders. So I mean she needed to have the surgery, but still I miss those babies so much. Yeah, I'm a boobs, I'm a boobs lover all till I die. And my mom thinks it's because I was not breastfed. I was born during the Biafran War, and there wasn't much happening. So she had, I think, mastitis or something. And anyway, for whatever reason, I I didn't I didn't get to nurse, which is funny because I breastfed each of my kids for 23 months, but I never got to nurse, and so maybe that's why I like that. I don't know, who knows? Yeah, but I'm I mean, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

It could be just the woman's body is beautiful. I am I was speaking to a coworker, and yeah, we're heterosexual, but I'm like, woman's body is so much more just magical and all its glory. So there's that too. You can't go wrong.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

Yeah, wasn't it? There was a song that said your body's a wonderland or something. Yeah, I mean it is, it is. I think the woman's body is beautiful. I mean, obviously, I'm a woman, so I'm biased to start with, but also when I was when I was, I think 11, between 11 and 16, I went to high school in Nigeria. We have a five-year high school, and we started high school at 11. And I just I just started noticing women's. I just noticed the way their curves and their arms and their shoulders, and I just started noticing their bodies. I was like, wow, I just didn't know what that meant. You know, I still like guys too. I mean, I like me a tall, handsome young man any day. I like to say I like Genzel and I like Halliberry. I mean, uh, it doesn't matter. I just, whatever, I'm probably bi plus. But I just noticed women's bodies, and I just thought, yeah, it's just so beautiful. But then my ex-wife was like, she was like into like the back side, and I was just like into like the front side. So I think you can like what you like, you know, and and still be, and it's still okay. I don't know why we're having this conversation, but we are.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

I think that's the purpose of Spotlight. Um, we try to keep it conversational and just everyone just chit-chatting and keeping it cool and but focusing on our guest. It's all about you. Um, we're not Barbara Waters. We don't know how to interview, we don't know any of that. So we just like to do what we do, but focus on you. So something we're rolling out now is we call it spotlight hot seat. Well, we're gonna ask you totally random questions just to break the ice and get things flowing. Um, Lisa, but actually, based on what you said earlier, I think my question is moot. Um I was gonna ask you, you could be honest, there's no shame here. What is your favorite TV guilty pleasure?

SPEAKER_01 5:32

But you don't watch TV. So no, I I don't watch TV. I mean, I do, I have started because I, you know, I it's when each child got to college age, I found something to bond with them. And so with my youngest, we bonded over TV. It was just, it was just, it was easier for him to say the things he wanted to say while we're watching TV. So, and then he happened to be the youngest and the the one who's been with me the longest alone. My eldest child was born, and when within two years, there was a second child, and then within I think six years, the baby came, and then when the eldest went up to college, within two years, the middle went up to college, and then I had just the baby with me. And then I got divorced with my ex-wife, and so I really had the baby with me. And so we really learned how to dance with each other in sacred dance and sacred language, and it was beautiful. When there was no power in Texas, there was a time I had a snow on ice storm, and both of us were alone in the house with no power. It was such a bonding experience. We had no food, nothing, because there was just nothing. So both of us got in the car in the ice and drove around town until we got to my friend's house. There was no power in the entire city. We drove with no power anywhere, and we drove together. It was, it was both of us were like, it was like a do-or-die moment that we're going to go out together or not. And we got to a gas station that was selling bread, and when it was our turn, the bread was finished. And then one of my friends, I think, said, Oh, we have like two oranges, or it was just a beautiful thing. And we found our way to their house. Their house is three minutes away, but it took us like 19 minutes to get to the house. So those are the kinds of things that he and I did. And so he likes watching TV. I don't like when he is. So we kind of said, Okay, I'll watch, I'll watch something with you, and then we'll read a book together because I like reading. So we did that. We kind of, it was beautiful. So I now just this morning, it's like, mom, just go to Amazon and just just buy any remote control. I said, but I don't know what remotes he said, just buy a remote. I just moved here, so we found the fire stick, which one of them donated to me, but I can't find the remote. I think maybe I give it away to Goodwill. So now he's like, Well, mom, just buy any remote. Like, I don't know which one. I was like, Mom, you're a doctor. You can buy a remote. It's so funny. Only him can say that and still live. But he's like, Mom, you went to medical school. You can you can just buy any remote. He said, pick a remote, literally, he's so like he's like, mom, pick a remote and then press mom, mom, go to Amazon, search up Amazon Flyerstick Remote, put your new address into Amazon and press, like literally, this kid.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

These kids, I swear, I tell you, they think they know everything.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

Well, they do know everything when it comes to technology because I went to school when we had real books, we didn't have whiteboards, and it was nothing. So he said, Mom, you know, before I moved, he said, Mom, you need to learn all these things because I'm not gonna be there with you. He warned me. So he's just a mom, I told you I wasn't gonna be there with you. You can order yourself a remote control. So um, when I get the remote control, then I'll figure out, you know, I'll watch, I wanted to watch Tyler Perry's new movie coming out. That's actually why I'm trying to get a remote. I'm trying to get the TV to work because I would ordinarily not bother about the TV.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

So well, you could download the remote app on your phone.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

I did, I did, but they're not working. Some are working, some are not working. So maybe it's me and my patients that barely exists. And I've had to. There was one he told me, he said, Mom, just download that one. And then I didn't like it because it didn't work, and then I I didn't download it, I took it out, and now I can't find it. I mean, it's crazy. So he's he's had everything. I do know about the remote on my phone. I do know about that, but I want to use the fire stick because they I mean the fire stick is here. The middle child donated his fire stick. He said, Mom, you can have my fire stick. And then I don't know what I did with the remote. So it's like they're just like, Mom, how did you go to medical school? Like, it's a puzzle, it's a puzzle to them.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

She's like, medical school was easier compared to this madness.

SPEAKER_03 10:53

Yes, that part, true.

SPEAKER_04 10:58

So, my question for you is what is your comfort food? When Dr. Lulu has a rough day, what food do you look for that makes you happy?

SPEAKER_01 11:11

Unfortunately, my favorite fruit is mango. I could eat mangoes all day, and this is just not. I mean, I know Atlanta they said they have a I found out that there's a flea uh farmers market that has mangoes, so I'm gonna go there. But mangoes are it for me, and maybe Snickers bars or almond joy, maybe a distant second, but mangoes for me is it. Yeah, I'm a tropical, I'm a tropical girl.

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Since you're down south, you're gonna wanna try a deep fried Snickers bar or deep fries married bar. It's like negative. No, negative, one would last you maybe a decade. Like you're good at the 10 years. It's like one of the things.

SPEAKER_01 12:03

Nothing deep fried. I used to live in South Carolina, and everything's yeah, they had deep fried apples and I mean just stuff that makes you go, hmm? So I have all the respect for people and customs and culture, and I'll never, you know, turn my nose up or down, whichever direction against somebody's what you want to eat is your poison. You can have it. But uh, you know, the buck stops with the deep dried water. I mean, yeah, I just no. Everything is different. Now I do appreciate the the taste, the palate. I appreciate the the food because it's it's well seasoned. We had a nanny when the when after my divorce, and then I I was a single when I was in my early days, and the kids were like, I think nine, seven, and like three or something. So I had a I had a nanny and she was from South Carolina, and oh my god, she would cook. Um I think she liked cooking uh cabbage, something, and she would cook the cabbage until there was it was nothing like that. She was like, it's really good. She would put um ham or some kind of and the kids would be like, Mom, this is so good. I've said, mm-hmm, it's water. Cabbage, you can't even, you don't even suppose to cook cabbage, but maybe pour hot water over it and then it's done. Let it be still be crispy. And but she would cook and cook and cook the cabbage until there's nothing left of it, but hey, they would just enjoy it. All of them just the kids would just huddle around her, and I'm like, y'all can have cabbage.

SPEAKER_00 13:53

So yeah. I think I might make cabbage now. So we started this episode going on the very short list of your extensive C V. Um, what was your journey to become a mummatrician like? Like, how did it start for you to become Dr. Lulu that we all know now?

SPEAKER_01 14:19

Um, so the the mutrician M-O-M-A, T-R-I-C-I-N, is actually a combination of mom and pediatrician. I just had the name registered, I just had it trademarked. I had it trade, I wasn't gonna trademark it until another pediatrician mom said, Oh, I love that. I'm gonna use it. I said, No, you won't. And my expert was like, You better. I was like, Yes, I better. And so I trademarked that sucker. She was like, You better trademark that sucker. I was like, I sure will. But I think just everyone has a journey. And in my own case, I was just a regular child born in Nigeria. I like to say, start by saying I was born bread, buttered and slightly burned in Nigeria, and which is one of the more religious countries in West Africa and maybe even most homophobic country. So I find that it's those two things kind of run a parallel, religious religiosity and homophobia. I'm gonna put my hat on because I it's a little not chilly, but because I have the whole hair shaved.com thing going here, I get cold easily on my scalp. But um, so I basically went to high school. I went to an all-girls high school. It was when I first realized I like girls, and then I told my dad when I was graduating from high school because one of my classmates said, You're homosexual. I didn't even know what the word was. I was like, wait, what? I only knew lesbian, which is one of the things I tell people. I said, you know, words matter and representation also matters. Because growing up, I knew I liked girls and boys, but I only knew the word lesbian. I was like, well, well, but I kind of like boys too. And it was only later, like in young adulthood, that I realized that there's a word called bisexual. So I want people to understand that the word transgender or any of the many, many, many letters in the alphabet department or alphabet community, which is what they like to call themselves, any of those letters mean something that is so powerful because people are able to see themselves. I went to a school two days ago to do a career day. The school for special needs kids. But when they introduced me as a doctor and I said I'm a pediatrician, everybody's the little kids' eyes were like, and I knew right away what it what they were saying to me. Oh my God, you do exist. Like I can be a doctor. I said, you can be all of that. So when I finally found the words, the meaning of the words, when I found out that bisexuality is a thing, and when I found out the meaning of the word, I was like, okay, this is my own little corner of the world. And and then I told my dad at 20, 26 years later, I said, You remember that phase you told me about? So that phase is actually now phasing out, you know. And like most parents who have been kind of caught with their hands in the cookie jar, my dad was like, I never, wait, what? I told you what, when? I was like, Yeah, of course. So I'm answering the question because that's kind of how all of those things, I wanted to be a pediatrician, I wanted to help children. And then I realized that helping children is really helping their parents understand what's going on with the kids. And then if you can help the parents and their kids, and you're helping the community in essence. So I love being a pediatrician. But then I'm also a mom. And when you become a mother, you're not thinking, let me, let me assign this gender to my child, knowing fully well that my child is going to grow up and tell me that that's not their gender. I mean, you don't. So when people, you know, when the people whoever the non-entities that are saying that parents are grooming their kids, it's what utter nonsense. Like, what am I gonna say? Son, come let me show you how to be a girl. What are you kidding me?

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Complete and utter bullshit. Excuse my friends.

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Please. And I'm 55, so I cuss at my will. Like my podcast, we just we all we're moms, we don't give a fuck. Like, really, if the harder they come, the harder we come. I mean, you can't tell me that kids are jumping off the ledge in their thousands and their millions, and then you're telling me that their lives don't matter. There's something wrong with a society where we have such a high rate of suicide in children, in you. There's something deeply wrong with a society that's not even batting an eye. Children do not want to kill themselves. It's a it's a deep psychic pain that they want to quench. That's why people jump. They're not jumping because, oh, they're depressed, and let's increase the antidepressants. Listen, in the last four to five years, the use of antidepressants had more than quadrupled. And in the same time, suicide rates have more than quadrupled. So we don't have the right formula. Unfortunately, most doctors who don't know any better want to hold on to something, the chemical imbalance. They want to hold on to something that they can fix. So they hold on to that as a chemical imbalance. And I let them. I let them because it makes them feel better. But truly, childhood trauma is the reason people die by suicide. There's a direct correlation between your ACES score and what happens to you in adult life. Mental health problems, heart disease, kidney disease, they're all related to childhood trauma, fibromyalgia, lupus, all of them have been related to toxins that have been released from childhood. But if it makes the doctors feel better to blame it on depression, then so be it. One day they're gonna open up their eyes and see that, see the error in their ways. If we can stop the kids from being traumatized as children, they're gonna want to stay. I mean, the studies have shown that parental rejection is a direct correlation to homelessness or houselessness, substance abuse disorder, depression, and suicide. Why don't we stop that parental rejection? Rather, we want to say, oh, the kid is depressed, let's give them some more medicine. I mean, what are we doing?

SPEAKER_00 21:00

Let's solve the roots of the problem as opposed to putting them band-aid on everything.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Right.

SPEAKER_00 21:05

Band-aid is what they put, band-aid is what sells, band-aid is what the drug companies have.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

They want to sell it to you because it's a multi-billion dollar. Can you imagine if there were no antidepressants in this world? What would they do? What would they know?

SPEAKER_00 21:20

Solve the problem. Mind blown. Like, God forbid we solve a problem. I know.

SPEAKER_01 21:26

I know. I know. What would they do?

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Lose their mind. Like, I um Lisa, do you have any questions?

SPEAKER_04 21:38

Because I'm kind of like I've completely listed. No, no, no. I was fascinated listening.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

Um, just to touch upon a little bit of that, I watched some of a clip of your TED talk that you had spoken at about a year and change ago, um, rethinking the closet. I felt I never thought of it that way. I always considered myself an ally and supportive, and but now I thought like, well, maybe I'm not doing this right. And that opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. And I want to be like, okay, how can I make young people True. How can I make myself approachable and available in a a safe space? So not just I could be invited in, because I don't need to be invited into your personal life. That's you. But just something you could be safe with. Um how would you what would you tell like parents and allies and those who want to be supportive how best to do that?

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Well, the first thing I I have, I have this, I don't know, joke that I made up about allies. And I I it's not a joke because it's partially true. Most very strong allies are actually chosen to gaze. Most bisexuals, so first of all, bisexuals have the they are the most um they're the they have the high, what we're the most in the community, and because we are the most, a lot of bisexuals can easily fight as heterosexuals, but they're great allies because they know deep inside that maybe their religion or whatever culture will prevent. So the so the two parallels. Most allies, very intense, strong allies, are actually closeted by sexuals. And then most extremely intense homophobes are also for the same reason. So that's one. And so I would say the first thing to do is check your thoughts about the community. A lot of times, our thoughts about the community come from something else. You know, nobody, you don't just think something. Usually something has inserted those words in your head. When I was younger, I told my aunt, I told my dad I was, I like girls and boys. He said it was a face, but I told my aunt, who I actually loved more than my dad because she raised me more, because she was around more than my parents. But she said I was gonna go to hell. So it was funny. And I believed my aunt even more than I believed my dad. And so, what did I do as a bisexual person? I try to squish the life out of that aspect of me. I was like, oh my God, I don't want to be bisexual, I don't want to even like girls at all. So for a long time, I was hiding underneath the radar as a heterosexual, you know? So the first thing I have to say to them is in order to be safe for anyone, you have to first be true to yourself. And to me, it's irrelevant, it's just like to say, you can't love, oh, I love my husband so much, and then I hate myself. No, lowest possible. So the first thing to do is to go within and analyze your own thoughts about the community, your own thoughts about yourself. You don't have to be LGBT. In fact, no, don't nobody's LGBT. It doesn't matter, but but analyze your thoughts because my thoughts were put in there by an auntie who I love so much, and I could not, it was very hard for me to get over my aunt telling me I was going to hell. It was very, very difficult because I love her so much as a child. I and it, I mean, it's every word she said, I mean, I just loved her so much. So our words are so powerful. So the first thing to do is to check yourself and then maybe check how you're acting or the things you're saying. I was not an affirming parent. My kids said, Mom, you were you were extremely transphobic when I was young, and she was right. I said everything I wanted to say because I was hoping that she would somehow hear it and change her mind, even as I knew myself that I was queer. And so that's why I said what I'm saying with my full chest. A lot of us who are intense homophobes, and and you know, even forget Dr. Lulu. We have multiple examples of people. There was a pastor that just died of suicide recently, you know, who was a drag and underground drag, and then somebody found the pictures and exposed them. And I think he was also like a councilman or something, and the next thing he jumped. There was Pastor Eddie Long, for instance, who died of AIDS, who's like, oh, hush, hush. I'm not, I don't hush, hush anything. The truth must be exposed. But you know, he was the most adamant anti-LGBT at the pulpit. So we know my ex-wife was the most pro-LGBT person ever. Because she herself knew that she was LGBT because she was just I'm just a strong ally. That's all she said until we met, right? She was like, I'm just really, I just just let them be themselves, you know, just let them be themselves. So I wanted, I want to make a case for those two extremes and what is really lying behind it. And I don't know if it was um the the the the lady who plays the flute, she's a the the really big black musician. Lizo said, what's the last said we're all gay, and I don't think she's the first one to say that, but she's the one that made it popular. But that is true, we're all on the spectrum. I believe it with my heart, some more so than others. So the first way to make yourself safe is to first be safe with you. Yes, we've been safe with you because if you're safe enough with you, that's why these days I'm unafraid now because I'm so authentic now. I'm embracing all of me. Maybe it took me 55 years to get there. I wish it didn't take me 55 years, but it did. So I'm here now. So take all of you in, and you wouldn't even have to tell anybody you're safe. You would just manifest it's organic. You would just manifest safety, it would just come to you after my my Pachakucha talk at Podfest. I had three whole human beings come out to me. What's going on in here? But like, oh my god, I just feel like I've known you for a long time. I just feel like I could tell you everything. I was like, but they they they felt that they could share with me because I was just like so radically authentic. Like, that's nothing to hide. Secrets kill people. So I'm just like, I'm not gonna do that. I don't want to live forever, but I don't want to die because of the weight of secrets on my shoulder. Right. So that would be the first thing, maybe the only thing to do is that just manifest your own full authentic self so that people they say they say live your life such that you your life is a book that someone else will read, or that your life is a mirror that someone else will see themselves, or your life is the window to people will see the outdoor. So if you do that, you don't have to be quote unquote safe. Safe. You just I was on it, yeah, exactly. I was unable to be fully authentically myself, and that's why I was so homophobic because I couldn't. So it might be anecdotal, it might be my story, but I bet you it's a story of too many people. A lot of the parents whose kids come out to them in my little Facebook group. My Facebook group is called accepting, accepting, affirming, or something like accepting, affirming, and supporting your LGBT child, something like that. It's a long word, either affirming and accepting or accepting and affirming, one of the two. The parents say all the time, they say, Oh, my child's ex is living his life so outwardly that now I'm I now realize that I'm also queer. All the time. I had a lady on my podcast, and she's really published, she has like over a hundred thousand followers on TikTok. Her child was on his third suicide attempt. Third before she said, let me lean in. Yeah, the kid is happy because she's accepting, but I'm saying she was the least, she was she was like, No, you're not, you're not, you're not, until the kid attempted three times. So I want to I I say with my full chest that a lot of times the reason parents don't want their kids to be quote unquote gay is because they are afraid of the fact that first of all, my kid is gay, it's gonna expose me, right? Or um, you know, in my case, I didn't want my child to experience anything like I had already experienced. So there are multiple reasons, but a lot of times, if you just just be yourself, you don't have to tell anybody that you're safe. Your your safety will just manifest on its own.

SPEAKER_00 31:38

That's a very good point, right? Oh, Stella stopped barking.

SPEAKER_04 31:43

Yeah, that's why I keep muting in case she has an outburst.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Um has some things to say. Let's let her talk.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

She has a lot, Stella has a lot to say about that.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

A lot of things to say, let's let her talk. And that's why she's interrupting because we're not letting her.

SPEAKER_00 32:00

I have so many questions to ask you. Um, before I keep going on, is there anything you want to talk about in general? Like you want to like throw out there into your spotlight? This is your time for me or for Lisa? Oh, for you. Um, that's anything you want to, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

No, I'll just answer your questions. Um I've never I never have any questions that I mean, did I know the answer? I don't know the answer. You don't know, okay. Um my podcast is like this. We don't I don't have a set of questions to ask, we just start talking and then it just becomes I do have a brand new practice that I'm trying to promote for all its words, but I have a lot of things I'm always trying to promote. My new books, I mean there's always so much. So just find me on the internet and holler at your girl. My practice is called the Tolulu's Pride Corner, and the pride is in capitals, and we are we are uh family focused gender and sexuality affirming coaching practice. Yes, I got it all one time. And we are helping parents and their families to navigate what is like the psychosocial aspect of parenting a child who's transitioning because it's a family affair. So we're starting from the age of three. Oh wow, because most kids at the age of two know their gender identity. All kids actually are not most kids, all kids. And the reason you know that is because a cisgender child who is two years old knows if they're a boy or a girl. That's why we all know our gender sexuality, our gender identity at the age of two. However, a transgender child also knows their gender, but doesn't know what it means because everyone else is telling them that they're this other thing over here. A non-binary person also knows their gender identity, but they don't know how to say it because they're over here. And everybody's like, okay, boys here, girls here. You're neither, or a little bit of both, and you don't know where to go. And or you're a boy and they tell you boys here, girls here, whatever. Now now they don't want you to use the bathroom. I mean, just this is so much coming at them so quickly in such a rapid succession. That's why my favorite TED talk is my third TED Talk, which talks about allowing children to lead. And we parents as students are children, because that's actually what we're already doing. That's how you know little Nikki doesn't like chocolate or is allergic, and little Chiniqua loves broccoli, right? Because they show you. So I want parents to allow kids to lead. But for some reason, when it comes to gender identity, we want to lead. But we really truly, I know I had a medical school, I mean a resident in September when I was in St. Petersburg at the medical school there, and I asked the class, I said, so everybody write in your little notebooks. And I'm gonna ask the two of you the same question to write in your little notebooks. When was the first time you knew your gender identity? And I gave them some time, and then I said, Okay, um, okay, who wants to who wants to respond? And no one said anything for a long time. Finally, one very uncertain hand raised up and said, My parents told me. And I said, That is true. We start calling the kid a boy. We started that. I need us to hold on to that because we started that fire, and then the child says, I'm not actually a boy. What do you mean you're not a boy? What do you mean? What do you mean you're not a boy? You're a boy. Of course you are. They're like, No, I'm not. And then it's like, well, if you're not a boy, then what are you? Uh maybe I don't know yet. What do you mean you don't know yet? Who did this to you? What did I do wrong? He's like, I mean me, I, I, I, I, this is it's all about us trying to control the narrative, us trying to control the outcome as parents. And so, in my practice, I'm gonna help the parents control that need to want to control because that's what control is controlled. Yeah, that's why we want, that's why we all say parenting is hard. Everybody says parenting is hard because we all want to be able to control the outcome. Well, parenting will be so much easier if your toddler says, I don't want to eat the broccoli. You don't start saying it's good for you, it's good for you. Because what happens is not that broccoli is not good for you, but then you get in the fight of wits. Right. And then the toddler throws up, and then you're upset, and they're upset, and then nobody eats the broccoli anyway. Anyway, so yes, exactly. Rather than fighting the child, try this. I don't like broccoli. What do you want? What do you want to eat? I want to drink like my elders always wanted to eat hot dogs. Mommy, I want some hot dog. I want hot, mommy. Mommy, can I have a hot dog? I want a hotad, mommy. I want hotad. I said, okay, so now I learned. Okay, you can have your hot dog. You take one bite of your hot dog and one bite of my broccoli. You get to eat the broccoli, you get to eat the hot dog. Everybody gets to win. As opposed to you cannot eat. You had hot dog for breakfast. I know, mommy, but that's what I want, right? But you had hot dog, hot dog yesterday. I know, but okay, can you eat broccoli? No, I don't like broccoli. Okay, so here's the thing. I'm gonna cut up your hot dogs and mash it up with your broccoli. You can have both, you know, something like you gotta negotiate, baby.

SPEAKER_04 37:47

Right. I gotta say, a little give and take.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

I thought you I started thinking about how my daughter's gonna kill me, but how she parents my grandchildren. Well, the oldest one is three, and how as the grandmother, how I support her in her parenting. And when it comes to Axel and he ultra to mimic the adults around him, they they do that, and he watches her put her makeup on. So he's like, Yaya, I'm putting my makeup on. I was like, okay, do Yaya's face next. He's like, so he's we put it all out makeup. So girl stuff, boy stuff. And I don't know if anyone can see me. I don't know if you're watching the video or listening, but I'm putting my my little rabbit ears up. Of course, we don't as a family, nothing's never been talked about. It's just acceptable. Like it is what it is. Makeup, toys, dolls, shopping. Who cares? The kid's not screaming, he's happy, I'm happy, he's not throwing temper chat jump, everyone's happy. There is no, like you want to wear pink with the green, by all means. I don't care. Just put your shoes on so because it's a color. This is the color. Right. As long as you had your coat and your shoes, we're good. And uh, you know what?

SPEAKER_01 39:05

And you know what though? If you don't want to have your coat on, I dare to say, allow them. Nothing teaches a child that the fire is hot.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

Then touching the fire.

SPEAKER_01 39:20

It's it's listen, the child is not gonna keep their finger on there for less for more than two seconds, but you would you will never have to tell them it's hot again. We have to pick the battles that we can win. I mean, the in the I mean, at the end of the day, you have to pick the battles that you can win. I had a mom, I had a lady that was on her podcast last Sunday, and she's all the way religious, and she's a hairdresser. And I know in the black community, hairdressers are almost sacred. They're like sages. You know, you come there, they're your therapists, they're this, and then she, I could, I could hear the words that were on said. She said, Well, how can I help my community? You know, how what do I? I could tell she was trying to tell me something. So I told her, I said, ma'am, I want to absolve you of all your mistakes before today. Because I already knew what she, I knew her mindset about LGBT. I knew it because she's like, What if it's against your morals? I said, I said, Fuck morals. I said, What are the morals? Who's who makes the rules about morals? Who made who made the rules?

SPEAKER_03 40:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 40:24

The same Bible that I read, it's not the same Bible because there are only two commandments that were given. Two, and it was never anything about Jesus did not qualify the person, the neighbor. He didn't qualify the neighbor. He didn't say white neighbor, black, no, he didn't but no, I said your neighbor. Two commandments. And she was like, Well, I said, what you do is what I do when people ask me to tell them about something I don't know. I say, I don't know. I said, You cannot be the advisor about the LGBT community because you're not LGBT. Because I asked her, I said, Are you LGBT? She said I said, Well, it's like a white woman telling me about blackness, right? It's just no, or vice versa. No, because I don't know anything about whiteness. Now, if you ask me about thinking, right? So I'll say, I'll I said, I said in the future, because I know I know she wants to tell them. I said, your role is not to tell because the person asking you may very well be like I was with my auntie, and your words matter, and then the next thing we know, you have someone who for the rest of their life or whatever, so they know better, they're living in this, they're hiding a piece of them. So I said, How would you feel if so someone told you to stop being black today? So I watched that movie Rustin, and there was a line in the movie. That's the only line I was called to watch that movie because of that line. He said, The day I was born black, it's the day I was born gay. You can take it or leave it. He used homosexual, but I don't like that word. I like gay. It's one syllable. The day I was born black, one syllable is the day I was born gay. One syllable. Take it or you can leave it. I can't be sometimes black, sometimes no.

SPEAKER_00 42:29

This is me.

SPEAKER_01 42:31

I love it. Yes, and so I took that line. I said, I'm gonna use that from now when I and I used it yesterday when I was talking to the parents. So your child was born heterosexual the day they were born into this world, they were born transgender, the day what they were born into this world. Whatever they were born, they were born that day with it. So that's it.

SPEAKER_04 42:54

It's I think it's a lot of where people and and I can't speak for other countries, but in this country, I feel like people like to put labels on things, they like things to fit into neat categories, and not everything needs a label or needs a category. You know, sometimes we can just be and morals to me, uh having good moral values is doing things that are in the in the sense of kindness, being a good person, not hurting other people. Who I have sexual relations with hurts no one so long as they're consensual. It's not my business what anybody else does, nor is it anybody else's business what I do and for me that's just my personal outlook, but I just don't understand.

SPEAKER_01 44:03

I guess for me, I can't understand why it means so much to other people to police other people or to police because because because because they've been doing it their whole life and they've been getting away with it. That's why that's why they're doing it. I love what you said. I I say that the word more. Morality shouldn't even come in to my identity. My identity as a black woman, once upon a time, as a black person, was like an eighth of a man.

SPEAKER_00 44:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 44:41

Is that right? So there's no morality in blackness. There's no morality in queerness. You are queer or you're not queer. If you're not queer, shut up. If you're queer, let me hear what you have to say. And it's like that's it. It's not, it's not immoral to have the same, like you said, same gender or same sex relations as long as it is consensual. And the good book, which my kid said, Mom, stop calling the good book because there's so much sin, so much destruction in the name of the book. So I stopped saying the book, good book. But the Bible says there clearly, and I'm thank goodness it says clearly that there's only two commandments. And until you're done loving all of your neighbors, don't come at me with anything. You're not closer to God than I am. I had a doctor friend. I it actually challenged the friendship because I don't know. I just took her up that from my mind. She told me she's she said, What about my morals? She said, What morals? You're fit session. You took an oath to first do no harm. Talking about right now. And in the state of Georgia, they're about to pass a religious freedom law allowing people to, based on their religion, if I have a heart attack and I have a pride pain on and they call the emblems, they are they can say this is my religion, I'm not gonna take care of it. What is this? So what what where does the where does it end?

SPEAKER_00 46:16

Oh how is that moral? I don't know. Exactly. They're using morale to uh allow someone to die. How is that not moral? How does that matter?

SPEAKER_04 46:29

It has no place. There are some spaces where your personal beliefs have no place, and if you can't separate yourself, then maybe the job is not for you. Maybe the job is not for you. Right, but if you can't save a life because of their because of something that they do that has no being whatsoever on you, like who fucking cares?

SPEAKER_00 46:58

I don't know. I always tell people that when they get like when people get like sassy and they want to show their ass, I'm like, take a bag of dicks, because either A, you need some and you're not getting it, or B, you really want some and you don't want to admit it. So either way, here you go.

SPEAKER_01 47:17

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 47:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:20

There's um I I know Agnes doesn't watch Shits Creek, but there's all my kids love that when it first came out, like my trans daughter was all over it. Yeah, we all had to watch it. She's like, Mom, I don't know if you're gonna watch it though, because there's some there's some words in it that maybe you don't want to hear. I was like, Well, what is it about? You know, but I I didn't I I didn't end up watching it because I I'm not a TV watcher, but I know it was a big deal. But go ahead. It was a big deal.

SPEAKER_04 47:46

Yeah, so there's there's an analogy that he uses in because everyone assumes that his character is gay, and then he sleeps with a woman, and so then she's she says something to the effect of like, oh well, I thought you liked red wine, because you know, I like red wine, and red wine being a stand-in for man. And so he makes this analogy like, well, sure, I like red wine, but it's not about what the label says, it's what's inside the bottle. So I like red wine, I like white wine, I like rose, as long as I like what's in the bottle. And I know I'm butchering it because I'm not I'm not really remembering it verbatim.

SPEAKER_01 48:30

Yeah, but you're not yeah, you're not quoting them either. You didn't you didn't say you didn't say so that I'm right. I think the pansexuals have it all. I mean, just they they they they definitely they got they they received the the right memo because they are just like just come as you are, and let's just keep going.

SPEAKER_00 48:47

They totally understood the assignment. Yes, just love, you love the person, you love their essence, you love who they are, and not because of what gender what's between their lips equipment they have necessarily a don't do a do have. Right because sometimes the ones with the equipment don't know what to do with it anyway. So I was like that part.

SPEAKER_01 49:19

So anyway, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:23

So you have what is your latest? I know you're the you're your new practice, and it seems to be quite holistic as far as it encompasses a myriad of different aspects of health mental, physical, emotional, parental, all that.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

I haven't looked at it that way, I haven't looked at it that way. I thought I was just okay. Thank you for saying that. I think it's if your mental health definitely is not on uh is not on point. Nothing else, nothing else is on point.

SPEAKER_00 49:55

And it and that and that starts at home. Yes, yeah, so we've got to get our parents, the parents need to be involved into that too. Um, what is because I'm I'm a book fiend. Um so the last one, I don't know if it's your latest book, but is invited your latest book, or does it went after that? Invited in?

SPEAKER_01 50:20

Yes. Um, well, it's the one that's gonna drop this quarter if I can get my behind up. That's the latest one. Okay. It's the one that's gonna drop this quarter. Three books are dropping this year, whether I like it or not. Three books are coming this year. I'm saying it so that y'all can hold me accountable.

SPEAKER_00 50:36

They're going to drop three books.

SPEAKER_01 50:37

Three books.

SPEAKER_00 50:38

We have it recorded, and everyone's gonna hear this. So what are the three books? If you don't if you can't share.

SPEAKER_01 50:45

No, no, it's for no, it's not no. I'm not one of those people that no, I don't do all that. Like it's just a book, it's written and it's out. So the first one is invited in how to become the parent, your LGBT plus lead uh eight LGBT plus child needs. The second one is about your black transgender child. Let me see if I can find them. One second. That's my fun book that I I cannot wait for that to drop because I'm really proud of it. It's called About Your Black Transgender Child. Um, where can I put those things?

SPEAKER_00 51:16

And I had all her books like saved on a web page, and I went to go open it, and I'm like, I must have closed it, so now I couldn't find it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 51:26

My website, I think the guy has he's mad at me now. Because I have uh I just keep editing and editing is the type A in me. But this is the one I'm really proud of. So, in order to get this one out, we have to get this one. I'm not I I don't know. Now, the American Academy of Pediatrics wants to co-publish this, was actually wants to publish this for me. They've done their corrections. I just need to go and look at the corrections and then you know, we're done with the book. I haven't done it because I'm moving, and then the cat ate the chicken and the mouse and all that. So um, but I'll do it because my third book is the one that's for physicians, which is allies in white coats, becoming almost like this invited in, but I want them, I think it's LGBT, I think I'm calling it either becoming, it's just gonna be too similar, becoming the physician your LGBT patient needs. It was just too similar. So I decided to make it allies in white coats, LGBTQ basics for physicians, because I just wanted a physician offices, something like that. Um, it's not a whole lot, it's not gonna be a very big book, um, but it's gonna be, I think everything that I can say as the person who was the queer child, and who is now a mom, and who is a pediatrician, so I'm one of them, and then I'm also one of these people, and then one of those people. So just the experience is that there's such just terrible things happening in the medical field to LGBT patients. They have such a huge health inequity, and it's a political thing, all of a sudden. So I want to help the physicians in the states that are affirming go all the way, and even in the states that are not affirming, one of the things I tell people, which I love about this podcast, is going to help them remember. One of the things I tell people I tell parents is your child doesn't know the governor. But your child knows you. You your child doesn't know the governor vetoed a law, or your child sees you every day cooking dinner. So you are more influential any day. If if I mean I get it, if the laws of the land, they are the laws of the land, maybe one day they'll be overturned, I don't know. But the point is, your child still sees you as their savior first before anybody outside. So what you think and what you say and what you do, and all those things matter so much more than the governor who is vetoing the law. That's all I get.

unknown 54:16

Right.

SPEAKER_01 54:16

And really, that's all that's the summary of this book. That's the summary of this book, that's a summary of all the books that you, yeah, because you, like I said on my Picture Kucha talk, you are not only the most important, you're also the most influential person in your child's life. And if it's not, if you're not the parent, if you're the physician, you're an extender of the parent. So in that office, you need to create a safe space for that patient. Actually, the word that people are using now is a brave space, because they're saying that safe is good, but brave is even better. Safe, brave, don't matter. I want the child to be able to leave your office feeling seen and heard. And I say this because a lot of physicians find their way to come back to the genitals. Listen, if I, a cis-gendered woman, come into your office and you're not going to ask me question A, because I'm cisgender, don't ask it to my child because they're trans. If it's not a relevant question, it's not a relevant question. Period.

SPEAKER_00 55:19

If I'm not coming to your office for a specific reason that directly relates to that particular area, it's irrelevant. It's irrelevant.

SPEAKER_01 55:29

Ah. So anyway, that's that's kind of what I I want people to learn from. Like if they find a way to calm down genitals. No, they're here for flu.

SPEAKER_00 55:43

Focus on the flu. How do the two correlate? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 55:51

It doesn't. I know. So that's kind of that's what I am, that's my message. And it's not a very hard message. The things I want doctors to do in their offices are basic. Listen, the child, the doctor experience, rather, the patient's experience begins way before they come into the doctor's office. They pick up the phone and say, This is John. And it's obviously like, but it says Miranda. I know. It says Miranda on my chat. And I go by John now.

SPEAKER_00 56:26

And that's when the doctor goes, Hi John.

SPEAKER_01 56:30

I mean, I'm saying I'm thinking about on the phone, the front desk, because it's not, you see, that's the thing. The patient experience does not begin when they enter into the doctor's office.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

Oh, from the front desk.

SPEAKER_01 56:39

Yeah, need to not start arguing with them. No, but it says John here, but I'm not whatever. But it says Miranda here, and um, I don't know what if they hang up that phone, then I'm crying.

SPEAKER_00 56:54

It's a missed opportunity by helping someone. You just and then number two, guess what they're gonna do?

SPEAKER_01 56:59

They're gonna tell all their friends. Yes. So being gender affirming, sexuality affirming affects your bottom line, whether doctors like it or not.

SPEAKER_04 57:11

And and it doesn't cost anything to be to be kind and to be accepting, and if if if right, if you want to be called John instead of Miranda, you got it.

SPEAKER_01 57:27

Okay, I can just I don't have to ask you any questions. Oh my goodness. If maybe for if we're on that level, maybe, but it's a very thin line. It's a very, very thin line. So it's very important that the physician, first of all, knows what time it is so that they can tell their people that work with them because it's such a thin line. And because of the suicide rates, I mean, hello. The suicide rates is a big, it's a big, big problem. It's a huge problem. So I just want people to know those, just those little little things. Um, I think is what is what I want people to know. That this is they're gonna be in your office for 15 minutes. You don't want them to leave your office and then go right, you know, 20 minutes at the most. It happens to me. I'm not even talking about my queerness. I'm talking about the the pick up the phone, uh, they pick up the the my chart. It's like oh my god, get this wrong. They tell me, they say that. Oh, I'm gonna you you you chimed it.

SPEAKER_00 58:35

You didn't even try.

SPEAKER_01 58:37

I know so ask the person how to say their name. Same thing with uh with being a physician. I just say, you know, when you walk into the room, hi, my name is Dr. Lula, my pronouns are she or hers. You don't have to ask them their pronouns if you don't want to, because some if the parent is not affirming, the child might never say anything, right? But because I declared my pronouns, that's all that matters.

SPEAKER_04 59:02

And we lose nothing.

SPEAKER_01 59:03

The child is gonna remember, we lose nothing by extending that that grace to another person, nothing at all, and the child is gonna remember that, and they might not say anything today, they might never say anything at all, but when their friend is looking for a doctor, so you know what? How do you know? Well, she talks about her pronouns all the time, or whatever, or she has a pin that says her pronouns on it, or their flags in her office, or everybody in the office is like we all have their pronouns, right? So it's not very big things, it's very, very big things.

SPEAKER_00 59:46

Very simple things that mean a lot to someone else because that child may not say may not say anything to you now, but the child would get to an age when they're having a private appointment with you and they feel comfortable talking about things that could save their lives, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:00:03

Or they might come to your funeral and make a big announcement. This doctor was the most affirming doctor ever. I mean, you're dead already, but it was a really they were, yeah. Really they were, yes, that was the only doctor in my town that would see me. Can you imagine the power of that? I mean, so I say, just it's not gonna hurt. You might see 20 patients a day, maybe three of them are queer. Let those three people feel just as good as the other 17 felt when they were leaving. And then you don't even know that those 17 are not, like we just said, right? They might be just over here, just watching, trying to figure it out, right? You don't know, yeah. And that second podcast, and that second um TED Talk, I mentioned that the child might not even fully understand what they are yet. So telling them, Oh, I don't understand it, they might not understand it either. So you just need to know rather than understand. Understand. That's the moment, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:05

That was a very powerful moment. I was like, don't need to know, just understand. I mean, you don't have to understand, just know.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:12

It's in the knowing, in the knowing.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:14

So, yeah. I love that.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:15

I think I should write a book called It's in the knowing.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:18

I think, I think you have your fourth book. If there's anything left to say, this there's always something to say.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:28

Something else, yeah. I do want to write a book about the intersectionality of the black transgender child. That was a book I started writing, and then the more I wrote it, this one kept coming. This about your black transgender child. Because I really want to talk to the black parent whose child is trans, or the parent who has a black trans child, because sometimes the black parent might not have a black child, or the black child might not have a black parent. But if the child is black and trans, this book is for them. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:59

No, it makes perfect sense because I feel like there are Jimina Jolies out there who are raising black kids.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:04

Let's let's let's talk to them. There's a different kids might be black trans have it.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:09

I don't want to say different, but there's a different experience that black children go through, black that trans kids go through. So the the black trans child's gone through something totally different. Um, I mean on top of.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:24

As you were saying, there's already like the inequality when it comes to transgender, um, and you know, anyone who finds themselves on the spectrum, right? But also there's inequality when it just comes to black people seeking medical care. You know, there's plenty of documentation that shows that black men and black women are not taken as seriously when they are in need of medical help. And so I guess if you combine the two, I mean the especially in and then if they're children who really cannot advocate for themselves. Yeah, I I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must be to be in that space.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:11

I know Lisa is really great with adding pertinent links and information to the show notes. Because yeah, I suck at that. I don't know how I don't know, I don't know what I don't know. That's Lisa's role. Um if there are any specific links, um, because I do have your web, I have a website with all your links.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:35

Yeah, my website is it's a it's a good place to start. My my um I'm going to the mailbox. I don't know if they're open today. I don't know if they're open today, the UPS store. I think they are, but I'm gonna go today. I'm gonna go when I'm done with this. I'm gonna go and see if my business cards are here because I really want to show them out, show them um off. But my my um website and my LinkedIn tree, link tree, link tree, link or whatever, are the two things that I think I really want to put out there because they can get then my calendarly is another one to make an appointment forward slash chat is the one that is like a just a straightforward, easy. Um so my calendarly link and then my website and maybe my link tree. But ultimately, if I was gonna pick one of all those things, I'll just pick my brand new website. I my brand new uh practice, and I don't have it up and running yet, but the website is under construction, but you can appreciate people that still open it because it has SEO. So if you go to the website dr-lulu.com forward slash pride, that will take you to my brand new practice, and there's a link there to sign up. And I really want to talk to parents, I want to talk to the parents about just their thoughts. What do they think about being? So, what is their thoughts about being a parent of a transgender child or parents of a queer child? What are your thoughts about it, even before your child says, I'm queer, because we don't know that your child is not. Knowing what we know now, any child is fair game. People will do anything in their power to try to pass as straight because we're like coming for straight for anyone who's not straight. So if you as a parent can start doing some little little things, oh, I listened to this podcast, and this doctor was talking about um how she helps parents of queer kids. You know, do you know, do you know if any of your friends are queer? Let me tell you, nothing makes your child queer as their friends being queer, right? So if child's friends are queer, first checkbox, right? Or what are your thoughts about the LGBT community? If your child is an ally, second checkbox. What are your thoughts about the queer community? If your child is all the way, oh my god, they should be put to death. Another checkbox because maybe your child is. So I want to I want to make sure that parents know the things to look for, the the things said and the things are said, right? Being able to read the room like my kids and mom.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:02

Read the room, like like I wrote the book on that. I know.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:08

Literally. I want to say something. This is completely off topic, but I I was telling Agnes that when we were at Podfest, yes, when okay, so we went to Podfest, and when we were talking about Our experiences later, we we were talking about a gentleman that we met, and he's talking to Agnes and you know, giving her his spiel and you know, this and that, and he kept touching her, you know, kind of like you know, this kind of thing, like on the shoulder and the arm. And I'm telling her, why why do people insist on touching? Don't touch me. I don't like to be touched. And the man didn't even touch me, he touched her, and I just I just wanted this whole rant about how awful it was. And then I was like, wait a minute. One of the rooms that we were in together, I was like, but Dr. Lulu touched my face, and she was like, She touched my face, and she was like, We're gonna talk later. And I was like, Oh, okay. And I was like, that was great. And you're on this whole rant about this other man who's just touching her arm, and I said, But you know, I think the difference is that you have such beautiful energy about you, and and I felt it. I felt it, and I was so not bothered, so not, you know, it didn't even occur to me to mind.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:41

I'll tell you what it is. Yesterday I was at an event, a gender sexuality alliance event, a summit where I did two presentations. The first one was to parents, it's called Parents Supporting Parents. The second one was to a room of teenagers, and we talked about self-love as the key to self-allyship, what we're talking about here. Self-allyship and resilience comes from self-love. I also have a journal about self-love, so y'all can talk about that. And that book is out, my self-love journal. Y'all could you could y'all could sell that on your on your podcast? But I said that because um when I was talking to the parents, when we're done, because a lot of emotions came up during the talk. I always do like a two to five minute meditation. And so during the meditation, I would go around and hug them. But I'll always say, Is it okay to touch you? Not everybody's touch, but touch is my love language. And so my ex-wife's love language is service. Yet we had to coexist, right? So she knows that if I'm sitting down reading and she comes and massages my neck, I'll just like melt. And I know that for her, if she wants to go shopping, or she wants to actually, I mean, if she wants to volunteer, because that should show I love volunteering, but she was like the queen for me to just say, I'm gonna volunteer with you. Oh, you love me so much. I can give her all the flowers in the world, I can give her all the words, I can tell her how pretty she is. Just like me, you could tell me how cute, like just now, you can say, Oh, that's because words are not my love language. But if you want to massage my neck, it's over. Like, take my take all my money. So that gentleman, his his love language might be touched. Right. Unfortunately, we live in a in a world now that is so binary and so divided that now a man can't even touch a woman unless, oh, they they they want to sleep with you. But maybe the person is just expressing their language. So, what we do, what we say about love languages is if I know my spouse's love language, I have the key to their heart. My job is to speak the language that they understand. As opposed to, well, my love language is gifts, and I give you gifts all the time, and she doesn't even appreciate it because her love language is not gifts. And that's what when they say, when you want to ask, when you want to find out how to take care of your girlfriend, you don't ask a guy, he doesn't know what women are thinking. Ask, you don't even ask the other girls, you ask the person directly. Right. What is yeah, what is your love language? And if my love language is touch, you can buy me all the flowers in the world. I'll say thank you, and I'll I might leave it at an edge there. You come back and say, Oh my god, this thing costs $600. And you let I'm like, oh, my baby, but then don't give me flowers anymore, is what I'm gonna say, right? Because flowers is not my language. So that was one of the one of the first things relationship people should talk about is each other's love language. How would you like me to speak it? How is an open-ended question? Or what would you like me to do to show you that I love you? And I'd be like, When I'm sitting down and reading my book, if you're rubbing my feet, my vajija is wide open, you know, as an example. Because for me, touch is everything, and that's what I that's so maybe the journeyman's love language is also touch. The question to ask is not why is he touching? The question to ask is why are you again? Remember what I said about what are your thoughts about men touching women? That is the so it's always comes down to your thoughts. So when I said to parents, what are your thoughts about being a parent of a queer child? It's important because we don't know if your kids are going to be queer. So I need to know what your thoughts are about it. The best baby shower gift will be something like this, right? Not because I want your kid to be queer, but because I need you to know, to know what are your thoughts and where did they come from? That's the second question. Who took that thought there? Is it the church? Is it your mother? Who? And what is that that person's stake on your child? Because ultimately their words are coming down to your kid, right? So that's asking yourself the question: why did I you need to go back today and write on your journal? Why did I react to that person? What were my thoughts? What was I thinking? And it's it's critical to you to know the answer because coaching is about moving forward. So the next time it happens, moving forward, you could check yourself. Maybe you want him to touch you and he didn't touch you. Maybe you were touched badly by someone else. I don't know, but all of these things made you have the rant. She likes being touched. You know, we don't know all those things, but they don't matter because your thoughts created the results of you being uncomfortable about it and not wanting it to happen and going on a rant. And so, like when you are saying, Oh, Dr. Lulu's this and that, because words don't matter to me. I appreciate it. But if you let me give you a back rub, oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:24

I do the virtual back rubs.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:26

Yeah, so yesterday, one of the one of the grandmas, the grandma who actually she came back and said, I said, so how was the talk? She said it was so good, especially the back rub. That's what she said to me. It was so good, especially the back rub. And I knew right away that I got her. That's the person who touch is important too.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:49

Yeah. That's a very good, that's a very good point that I think you need to like lean into.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:55

Yeah, and I I didn't I didn't think about exploring why it even bothered me so much, except that it was, you know, and and and I don't think before you say that, I don't want you to say why did it bother me?

SPEAKER_01 1:14:11

Why WHY is a in-your-face kind of thing. Ask yourself, what were my thoughts? Okay, that's specific. What was I thinking about while it was happening? Your thoughts create your emotions, which are your feelings, your feelings create your actions. So, what was my thoughts? What was I thinking? So, use what, or how would I like to feel the next time I see a man, a man touching a woman? Because if you know how you would like to feel, then you can find the thoughts that would create that feeling. So that's this is pure coaching right now. This is plain coaching.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:55

I actually I actually have an answer.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:58

Go ahead, go ahead, let's have it.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:59

I I'm pretty sure that the what was his demeanor. He he I don't think he wanted any kind of sexual relationship or anything. It was more like he was trying to tell us and mostly Agnes about his accolades and his his wins. But it it felt very showy, very aggressive almost. And I think that the touch was an attention thing. Like if if it just he he kept meeting to remind her to like look at look at him. And and I think that's the part that was like, okay, we're here, we're we're we're having the conversation. You you don't have to keep reminding us to look at you, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:02

What if I told you that that was just a thought?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:05

I'm listening.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:07

Yeah, because you said I think it was a bit showy. That's a thought. And a thought is a string of it's just a string of words that we is a is words that we put together to make a sentence because you don't know for sure. And my sister um Lovey Ajae Jones said it's not boasting if it's true. Okay, I could tell you all the things I've done because I've done them. How I tell you is up to me is a mixture of how I'm feeling. When we got on this call today, I was not feeling energized. So the way I was talking then is not the way I'm talking now. So how I communicate it to you is all up to me. How you receive it is also up to me. Now, that said, one of the things that I've learned from my own child, she now says, Mom, it's never up, because we'll say it was what I was the intention, which is what you're talking about. So I used to say, but my but I but I meant well. She said, Yes, intention is important, but impact is more important. And so I'm coming back to you. So he might have meant well. Ultimately, the impact on you was undesirable, and so that will bring bring it back to him if we had a to meet him again to explain, to tell him that. And then depends on how he will receive it. You know, it's all a dance, it's all a dance because he might maybe he maybe touch is his love language, maybe he's gay, and he likes to touch. Maybe you don't like gay men. All of these are thoughts. Everything I said to this moment is a thought in my head. Yes, the only thing that we know that is a fact, is this is metal, right? Not a thought, right?

SPEAKER_04 1:18:08

Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:08

So I'm giving you an example. Everything else, unless you're telling me for sure that what I said is true, it's a thought in my head. So always bring it back to what are you thinking? And when I coach entrepreneurs, I tell myself, make sure you don't think yourself out of your great idea. And how do you do that? Ruminating. What if I fail? What if it's not good enough? What if no one likes it? What uh before you know, it's like you know what? Oh, I tell the wrong person, and then they get me to think it out of my head, so be very careful. Thoughts are so powerful, but remember what they say everything you see around your house was a thought in somebody's head. This was Steve Jobs' thought, and he didn't think himself out of it. So now we have an iPhone, right? Before Steve Jobs, there was no iPhone. This was a thought in somebody's head to create a flask where you can put ice and hot things in the past when I was growing up, all the flasks I knew only had hot water. You can only put hot water in them. Now you have dual function. Somebody thought about it, right? So it's all a thought in your head.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:29

Yeah, that um that's a that's a pretty big shift.

SPEAKER_00 1:19:37

Yeah, I'm just like it wasn't like I'm just listening and I'm just like, wow. I'm like, I'm taking notes just so in case you know I'm like over here jotting down notes and all this other stuff.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:48

Yeah, if I was an emoji, I think the top of my head might be smoking.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:53

That one, the fire, the one that has like fire. Yeah, I love that emoji. That's one of my favorite emojis. That's one of my favorite emojis.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:03

Uh, I have no more questions for you. No, we have all your links, we have all print information to share in our show notes. Also, I put my little jot down self-love journal. We'll add the link to the show notes of the episode. Um, all about promoting wonderful people.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:21

If you want, we could. I mean, you you guys can you you gals can come up with maybe a fun question, and then if somebody wins, I can send them a copy. Hold on, let me see. Um, if somebody wins, I can give them a copy, a big copy or something, maybe if you want to do that. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_00 1:20:41

Because oh, I can kiss her more. And I I can't, she's my spirit person. Oh, how cool. Oh, that's a okay. Oh, I like that. I just like I did tell Lisa when we the meetup the first night we were there, and the conversation we had had, and you had to um figuratively castrate another person, another guy, because it's his um his opinions. And I was just like, I don't know who she is, I don't know what she does, but I need to be friends with her. Like, she's like split person, I need to have some kind of connection with her, and then we just got lucky enough that our paths crossed again, and you've blessed us with your presence today. And I can't thank you enough. I'm gonna be like my dad. Who's the guy? What kind of what was the person? I don't know. It like you were you you had an interaction with him before the meetup, and he said something stupid, slightly misogynistic. Just just you had a woman's place. And we never I don't know who it was. It was before the meetup, and I was like, this woman is my favorite person. I just need her in my life. And thank you. Thank you so much for being a guest of our um on this episode of Spotlight.

SPEAKER_04 1:21:59

Thank you again for being with us and and and just kind of like filling our cup with with just positivity, positivity and a shift in view, and and I hope I hope that people who are listening will will go away feeling good because I do, I feel really good right now. And and like you said, you know, when we first started, there were some technical difficulties, and we were like, okay, you know, we can reschedule, but I'm glad we pushed through because I feel I feel so good now. I feel really happy right now.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:43

Really? That's great.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:45

I do, I do. I'm very grateful to be connected with you.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:50

Oh well, thank you. I I don't know what to say.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:56

You don't have to say anything, just a real yes, yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:00

Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:00

And and if you ever want to, you know, move further up the east coast, you know. I I'm in Jersey now.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:08

Oh, well, I was gonna say lots of things happen in Atlanta.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:11

So if you're ever in Atlanta, I have a two-bedroom apartment and the other bedroom is my my uh kids' pediatrician is having some unfortunate legal issues these days, and they need a new one.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:25

Well, I I did retire.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:27

Oh, oh well.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:28

Four years ago. I retired four years ago from active duty medicine, four years ago. But I my practice is a is a is coaching, it's family coaching. There'll be no prescriptions except just love, love, and more love.

unknown 1:23:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:46

So thank you again. Uh we will link all of your um, we will link to every way to find you in our show notes. And as we always say, please drink responsible responsibly. Thank you for being with us today. And until next time, we're out of here. See you later. Bye. Bye. As a thank you to Dr. Lulu for being with us today, we will be giving away one copy of Dr. Lulu's Self-Love Journal. And if you want this, it's very simple. The first person to send an email to sass.n.sips at gmail.com and tell us that they want the book. Maybe you can include why you'd like the book. That person will receive the book. We're keeping it simple.